14 Mediocre Grief Stories
Well, just the openers.
1
Dani’s the first person I asked to do “The Fuck Does this Make Money,” but I didn’t ever actually do the interview.
This was in 2015, when I thought of it. I asked Dani in an email, because I thought that made it more professional, more legit, then just asking them in person.
Or maybe I did ask them in person, maybe I got in that weird rambling frantic mode I get into sometimes where I so very much want to respect the other person that I’m not thinking about them at all.
I don’t remember which, but I know Dani said something like, “of course H, I love youuuuuuuu I don’t completely understand what you’re asking or what it is but I love you and I love to talk to you and I will do the interview and we can talk about money which is stupid Lolol whatever love youuuuuu”.
Dani and I talked about work a lot, in the last year we really talked at all.
Our texts were fucking boring at the end.
Wait. No. This is wrong. Start over.
—
2
It’s really annoying to moralize when you haven’t fully processed what inspired the moralizing but here we are.
...No.
—
3
My friend Dani died over the weekend. I have a lot of feelings that change quickly. A lot of strong reactions and judgments I hold tightly for a few moments before they disappear.
That’s how feelings are supposed to work, I guess. You feel them and then they go away.
Eventually.
That’s wrong too.
—
4
Grief happens to everyone eventually. It happens to some more than others, but it doesn’t make it more or less special.
It’s like dental work — some people have to get a lot of it, some people only have it happen every now and then — but oh geez, dental work is tied up with systems of power and oppression, just like grief.
And if we had full communism like Dani wanted dental work wouldn’t be nearly as big of a thing. So that’s not a good metaphor.
Damnit.
—
5
Grief feels like being gay: most of the people around me know a lot about it, but it’s hard for me to know how much is my own world v the broader average.
Dani was really fucking gay (yearning, often at Girl) even though they weren’t.
...No.
—
6
In my limited experience, one bad part of grief (there are others) is how it illuminates the grief of everyone else. How much pain everyone feels all the time.
But even as it shows us that commonality, our connection, grief brings up all of the other dumb human emotions that keep us apart: pettiness, disconnection, judgment, envy, inadequacy, fear.
But it’s hard, because our own grief, our own shit, can make us kind of self-absorbed, keep us from seeing and responding adequately to the pain of others.
…Nah.
All of our texts (both sides) said over and over, “oh my god oh my God I love you, sorry I’m so bad at friendship.”
So, it’s not this one either.
—
7
The last time I saw Dani IRL was at a New Year’s Eve Party. I needed to text them back, but they needed to text me back. Even before the pandemic I was in recluse mode — I needed to text everyone at the party back. Or at least send them a meme once in a while. Not just Dani.
But now Dani is the only one I remember.
I remember at one point they said, “Aitch, I have no idea what you’re doing on the Internet but you do it a lot and I’m very proud of you and I love you and it’s good!!!”
I remember being bummed, surprised by it (though in retrospect writing a ton of experimental science fiction without telling anyone you’re doing that is... confusing) but I thought, “that’s OK. We’ll talk about it again soon.”
I wasn’t thinking at all about what Dani was posting on social media. I was just thinking about me.
Which is kind of what I’m doing here.
—
8
We never did a “the fuck does this make money” interview.
I was very attached to doing a good one, a fun one, something political but like, one where I got to see how Dani my friend and Dani at work connected. I hadn’t asked them to do it yet, because I wanted it to be perfect. So I waited.
—
9
Writing about grief feels a lot like what I was waiting for abt the interview with Dani. That same feeling of tension, of wanting everything to be “perfect“.
I never feel stupid or tense or worried writing about cartoon characters or the girls I had a crush on in high school, no matter how half baked or unprocessed my thoughts and feelings might be.
Why should grief be any different?
...Nope. That’s not it either.
—
10
Dani said a lot of things at that NYE party, at every party. Stories everyone can pick and choose from, spin their own story from, or whatever else the person needs something Dani said at one point to be.
We all do that, even we’re wildly self-conscious about the stories we tell about ourselves and other people, even when we try really really hard to tell the “right” story.
You can’t tell the right story, the perfect story that captures everything, even just a single shard, a small fragment of everything. It’s impossible. It’s literally impossible.
But still — we all tell ourselves stories all day every day anyway.
—
11
Are you OK?
You don’t have to answer that.
If you’re not, even if you can’t admit it to yourself, even if you have to keep it in the box where all of your feelings go, very deep, I’m sorry.
I’m very sorry.
…That’s still not it.
—
12
I don’t think this email even counts as writing about Dani.
I didn’t talk about friendship, gay friendship, trying but failing but trying, at all.
I didn’t write about all of the people who are in the midst of dealing with all of this, the people who are still managing it, have work, have tasks to do around all of it, in the midst of all the pain.
The ones I haven’t texted, or maybe even have, but, just baseline shit, the bare minimum, if that.
I was too scared I’d fail, so I just talked about me.
—
13
When I sat down to write, I had all these thoughts, all these stupid feelings about social media and personas and fake and real and public and private and grief and loneliness and love and “check on your friends“ and projection and guilt and “seeing people” and
It’s funny, because Dani in what I’ve written here, in all of my stories and texts and memories as I remember them right now — none of those thoughts and feelings show up, not really.
Dani told me how they felt, mostly honestly. Sometimes.
They let me sleep at their house after the worst breakup ever, hand built a friend group, said “oh my God I’m so bad at staying in touch I love you”, listened when I cried even when they didn’t know what to do about it. Sometimes.
I did the same, sometimes.
They also probably talked shit about me. shit I deserved to have talked about me and shit I didn’t deserve.
It was probably really funny.
…That was Dani.
I think if Dani could read this email they would say “oh my God H it was so good I’m so happy I loved it so much but I was a little confused I’m not totally sure what it was about but I love you and good job!!!!! Lol”
If we were hanging out for longer, if both of us could calm down, they probably would say something even truer, a little funnier. It might’ve been mean but it also might have been nice.
And probably, they might’ve talked a bunch of shit about this email to someone else, later.
Whatever they said, it would’ve been funny.
Dani was really, really funny.
—
14
With grief, with loss, you can start over, start from the beginning, change the story, try a new angle, mess up, write bad, be loud and over the top on the Internet, try or not try, whatever you need to, for as long as you need to.
You can talk shit that you regret later, you can talk shit you should’ve said to the person, you can talk shit that’s really fucking funny so who cares, it’s fine.
Everybody is going to tell their own story, there are going to be tons and tons of stories.
The stories fit together sometimes and other times they don’t.
You’ll never get it perfect.
Probably you’ll do it wrong, in a bad way, even a hurtful way, a lot.
But it’s better to do it in a bad way then not try at all, wait for it to be perfect, lose the chance to do anything, text “oh my God I suck haha I love you sorry I suck at staying in touch.”
Because no matter what, you’ll have to feel something see eventually.
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Donate to her family and friends to cover funeral expenses: https://gofund.me/7e445e86