SHOOT AN APPLE OFF MY HEAD, OOOOOOOOO—— AHHHHHHHH
Clocks, by Coldplay.
Jim and Allis are crazy in love.
This has two meanings.
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Both meanings are true.
The first meaning:
Jim and Allis are crazy, and in love with each other.
The second meaning is more important.
Jim and Allis are in love in a crazy way.
They love and care for each other so seriously, with such intensity, that it is crazy.
Here is an example that demonstrates both meanings.
One time Allis and I were on the phone, talking about Jim.
Then they said a weird little phrase. The phrase sounded like a common saying, but it wasn’t.
“You know,” Allis said.
“Love is crying in a chain restaurant.”
“What?” I said.
No one had ever said this to me before.
“Love is — what?” I asked. “What does that mean?”
Allis looked startled.
“Oh,” they said. “I have no idea. I don’t think Jim does either. But I know it’s true.”
I was still confused about what the phrase meant, but I trusted Allis and Jim.
They are in love in a crazy way (two meanings).
So I trust what they say about love even when I don’t understand it.
Dany used to listen to the song “Clocks,” by Coldplay on repeat, because Dany was an idiot.
“OK, I just took my Adderall so I’m going to write 14 pages,” she’d say. Then she’d put on her headphones in whatever stupid coffee shop we were all gathered in, scrunched around a tiny undersized table in chairs with wobbly legs.
None of us really had a reason to be in a coffee shop on a Saturday, except for Dany.
Well, maybe Andy did. He always had diagrams of bodies up on his laptop screen, but I could never tell if they were for nurse school or fun.
When Dany put her headphones in, she was really getting down to business. She was going to write 14 pages, the weird Coldplay piano loop in her ears, until she finished.
...Or until someone told a joke that looked funny and she felt left out and had to take her headphones off to hear it.
Dany would laugh really hard even if your joke wasn’t funny, so it was worth retelling.
And while you retold your joke you could hear the stupid piano loop through her headphones — tinny, but distinct enough to hear the piano.
They played Clocks after the funeral while they carried the casket to the car.
Technically, I played Clocks on Cruz’s phone through the church speaker. Everybody else had to carry the casket.
It felt good to have a job: I hadn’t done anything in the lead up to the funeral and I wouldn’t do anything to help afterwards.
After I hit play, Erica motioned over to me like “Hey! Get over here, carry! You’re part of this!”
But I had that feeling that you get when you are about to cry, not dissimilar from the feeling you get when you’re about to vomit. So I couldn’t.
If I had anything to say about the song Clocks I would put it here, in the part where I’m talking about caskets and funerals, but I don’t.
I spent a while trying to think of something to say about the song Clocks.
Some theme, even a vague auditory sensation worth mentioning.
I even tried to think of timely Adam Levine jokes.
But I don’t have anything to say about the song Clocks.
I don’t care about the song Clocks except when it’s about Dany.
But here’s the thing: the song Clocks by Coldplay is extremely popular, or it was, at one point.
And songs like Clocks, that were once
very popular but aren’t anymore, are
ubiquitous in certain places.
Outlet malls love Coldplay.
So do grocery stores. Gym locker rooms.
And every time I hear it, I get that feeling again.
The feeling where you are about to throw up but instead of throwing up,
This happens to me a lot, in certain places, for a while. It never lasts for very long — only four minutes and ten seconds (radio edit).
One time I start bawling in the yogurt aisle of a San Diego Target before I realize that I’m not hearing Clocks by Coldplay but in fact, The Scientist by Coldplay.
The weird piano in each song sounds similar, in my opinion. I think Dany would disagree.
And even though this (hearing Clocks, throw up level cry) happened to me in lots of different places for a while, it matters most to me that it happened at Ruby Tuesday’s.
Last summer when I went to a Ruby Tuesday’s with my family, the song Clocks by Coldplay came on in the bathroom.
I was washing my hands when it started.
When I heard that stupid piano loop I immediately went back into a bathroom stall and bolted the door.
I didn’t throw up. Then the song was over and my t shirt was covered in snot and tears.
It was kind of gross.
And as I was trying to breathe out of both of my nostrils again, I realized what the fuck crazy Allis and Jim were talking about.
I realized the magnitude, the pain and the power, that made the weird little phrase so true.
Love means crying in a chain restaurant whether you like it or not.