The Fuck Does This Make Money: Short Gemini Behavior
An interview with Lily Fake-Name, who’s looking to spend money on an average height girl in stripper heels.
Lily and I did this interview four times. We’ve been friends for years, so arguably we’ve been preparing for it for a lot longer.
The first two interviews were lost because I don’t know how to use my voice recorder.
The third interview Lily refused to stop talking about Gotham, the worst CW show in the world.
The fourth interview went something like this.
Ok. The fuck do you make money?
I am a sex worker and I work at a nonprofit. I like saying my jobs at the same time because they both have vague and meaningless descriptors.
They’re big umbrella terms.
Yup, I love that for me. Two extremely vague categories of thing. That’s what I do!
Tell me about the sex work.
I was a stripper in a club in the rural Midwest for 10 years. And now I have a couple of regulars who pay me to hang out and drink and go gambling.
Tonight I'm going gambling for a regular’s birthday. We're going to hit the hot tub, that's probably the sexiest part of it.
How often are you in a hot tub?
Less often since the pandemic. A hot tub is like COVID soup.
If you go into a hot tub and it doesn't burn your nose with chemicals, that is person soup, you are getting covered in junk off other people’s bodies.
But part of sex work is, you know — I am often doing something real gross.
What do you spend your money on?
I don't have a lot of expenses. I tend to do my drinking at work because then other people are paying for it.
I do like to go to a strip club, and throw money on the strippers. Not everyone's into that but I think it's a good time.
Do you go to places where you know the people working?
It's sort of difficult for me to go somewhere where I don't know somebody. Alcoholism, it's good for your social circle — you unlock a new level of intimacy without actually having to talk about anything.
I do get dances — I like spending money on tall hot girls in stripper heels.
But since stripper heels are so tall they can be average height.
Yeah or even shorter.
So I get dances. My policy for dances is you don't go into the strip club expecting to leave with any cash that you bring in.
Oh yeah and my cat. My last cat had to go to the vet constantly so that was kind of expensive. This one doesn't, she just eats. I tried to buy her a nice fancy fountain and she won't drink out of it.
How do your values affect how you make money?
I don't think you become a stripper at 18 If you aren’t pragmatic. If you're not like, “I would like a job where I can actually make some money, and I don't need to have any job history, or like, a degree.”
I was just like, “here I am,” and it worked. That's also how I got the nonprofit job I will not be going into any detail about. Someone was like “hey we're desperate for an employee” and I was like, “Well, I'm making a lot of money dancing, but I am getting older for a stripper, and I wouldn't mind having a steady income.”
I really feel like practicality is my main moral value.
Tell me about a decision about how you make money that you're proud of.
Okay. Well. Last time I told you an extremely explicit story.
I know. It was perfect. Are you going to tell it again?
Are you going to include anything I said about Gotham?
Let me think of something else.
Let's see — I am proud of the fact that I have cultivated good regulars over my 10 years of being a dancer and 2 years of fucking around for money.
Tell me about the relationships you have with long time regulars.
They're not necessarily the people who have ever spent the most on me at once.
You know they're consistently, they're consistently good. But none of them are the best night I've ever had, financially.
But also like, in 2009 I could be like, “yeah, here's my phone number,” you know. I don't know if that's a thing people can do, though I still do it because, like-
You know everyone.
Yeah. Everyone knows who I am, everyone knows I'm a dancer. So I have no fear of getting murdered, I guess? Which is of course in part because I’m a tiny white girl, but — I think part of it is I’m comfortable with the kind of person who gets a sex worker in the Midwest and their bad behavior.
What kind of bad behavior?
Well, one of my regulars is a Trump supporter. It's maddening. But I feel like I should have his money.
Or — you have to be willing to put up with weird comments about your body. People are gonna say something insulting and you have to just be like you know, “haha yeah that's whatever.”
I have a willingness to put up with some of that. But not all of it.
And long term, my regulars have to like me. They're have to put up with me and my personality, because I don't pretend, long term.
What’s your personality, since you’re talking about it?
Gemini, classic Gemini.
Ugh. I think the key to understanding my personality is that I get a lot of weird uh... Assumed kink sex work.
I don’t really do BDSM stuff. But like — okay, when I started there was this guy who was all like, “Oh you're a DOM, I can just tell you’re a DOM.” and it's like, “No, I'm just aggressive and mean.”
But if you have my personality, and you are a sex worker, people are like, “Oh, step on me mommy” and I'm like “Hey, give me money but like, I don't want to step on you.” BDSM is like a lot of work.
What about your personality gives people that energy?
Uh, that my personality is a little aggressive.
Well okay. I would say, my personality is: nice with actions, mean with words.
I have the personality of a short Gemini, just fucking say it.
Every interview I've ever done has been about getting you to admit astrology is real.
Fine, I have the personality of a short Gemini, fuck you.
It’s why I can't hang out with sensitive people. You're probably one of my most “has feelings” friends.
I’m way off topic now so I will also ask “where do you think that comes from, Lily?”
One time, my parents were convinced they were going to make the drive to California in 24 hours. It was a limited amount of potty breaks, is what I'm saying. It was like 10 or 11 at the time, and I did piss myself a little before we hit one of the rest stations, which was embarrassing, right? Rest of the trip, my dad called me Pee Pants.
Extremely dick move. And like, I inherited all that. So if we were on a car trip and you peed yourself because of my behavior, I would call you Pee Pants. But I would also buy you new pants.
That's short Gemini behavior.
What you said earlier about boundaries: at first it sounded you were talking about safety. Does safety impact how you think about money?
I'll go fucking anywhere, I'm terrible. I have never once been murdered. I'm one of God's own angels.
He doesn't want to deal with you.
God fucking loves me but he's scared of me.
I honestly I have no idea why I’m not murdered yet, besides you know, five foot two, white, big tiddy.
What’s something about making money this way that surprised you?
I don't think I had any expectations. It was my first job. Well, technically my first job was working at a burrito place.
Food service and retail suck ass because you have to sit there with a smile on your face and be super polite and you're not making near enough money for it.
Being a stripper, you can be like, “I don't have to fucking talk to you” and walk away.
Though I will say, the attacks in sex work are much more personal.
Once I spilled this girl's drink because I was drunk and on stage and her drink was there at the edge of the stage. I was like “Oh my god I'm so sorry, let me get you another one.”
And she said, “I don't want your whore money!”
I don't want your whore money is very funny.
Yeah, you get a lot of people making weird insinuations about what your parents did to you and stuff like that. It's a lot more personal and mean that way.
In retail when they got pissed off at me for bagging slow, no one called my mother a whore.
But the thing about sex work is that you can just walk the fuck away. Or you can call them a name or you throw a drink on them. It’s fun that way.